A Restaurant Rant

Most people are fine, just fine, when it comes to eating out. Here are some things not to do. Tell your friends. And if I have to tell you again, you'll be eating food laced with poison. Promise.

• DO NOT call a waiter over if you haven't decided. Wait until you know what you want to order, and make sure that other people on your table are ready to go, too. It's really bloody annoying if you're standing at a table for ten minutes with a pen in hand because Customer A can't decide between the greek salad and the risotto. Waiting is a busy job. Look around. Your waiter probably has dirty tables to clear and other people who have just sat down and need attention. If you can hear bells ringing frantically, it means that the restaurant is freaking busy, and your waiter is going to get blasted for not running food, all because of you. RULE: Don't piss around.
  
• DO NOT ask a waiter to do anything like get you a drink or organise a high-chair when they're carrying a stack of dirty dishes. They're really heavy. Remember that most restaurants use much heavier plates than you have at home, to keep the food warm; also because they don't break as much. Your waiter is probably going to be in pain from holding and balancing a huge stack of plates. RULE: Be considerate.
  
• DO NOT let your kids run around. This is a big one. When you're walking quickly through a crowded restaurant balancing heavy plates which may or not be scalding hot, the last thing you need is a kid jumping out. It can end very badly for everyone. RULE: Keep your damn children in their seats. Otherwise, leave them at home.
  
• DO NOT yell at waiting staff because there is something wrong with your meal. Hey, it happens. The waiter didn't cook it, the chefs in the kitchen did. And believe me, they don't give a fuck if you didn't want red onion in your salad or don't like the sauce on the fish of the day. If you tell your waiter that something is wrong, they will either have it remade for you, or you won't have to pay for it. RULE: Don't shoot the messanger.
  
• DO NOT grab drinks off trays. If your waiter is carrying more than two or three drinks on a tray, it's probably heavy and carefully balanced. If you reach out and grab your pint of Carlton, especially when your waiter isn't aware, it will unbalance the whole tray, and people are going to get wet. RULE: Don't grab stuff.
  
• DO NOT forget what you've ordered. Especially when you're on a big table. It's not hard to remember what you ordered for dinner, folks. That's all you have to do. You would be surprised at how many people sit there with a vacant expression on their faces when you're holding three bowles of curry (on large plates) that probably weigh more than your children. If you make your waiter wait too long, they will hold you your meal and make sure you don't quite have it in your hand before letting go. Then you'll see how heavy it is. RULE: Remember your order.
  
• DO NOT complain if VB isn't on the drinks list. Go to the pub and get yourself a bogan beer and a parma. Or, you could take a stab in the dark and drink a beer that actually tastes decent. Have a Hoegaarden or a James Squire. Surely you've heard of Corona? There are more beers than just disgusting VB. OK? Let's try something new. RULE: Try something different if they don't have what you want.
  
• DO NOT make a thousand changes to what you're ordering. Sure, you can have your Caeser salad without anchovies, but don't order a pizza with no salami, no olives, no capsicum but with BBQ sauce, asiago, anchovies and prawns, cut into six and with a side of chilli flakes. It's a pain in the arse for everyone, especially when the restaurant is busy. Also, don't just ignore the menu and ask for whatever you want. It takes a minute or two to read, and you won't piss off your waiter by asking for things that they can't get you. RULE: The menu exists for a reason. Read it.
  

Right, I think that's about all I have to say. I'm sure I'll think of more on my next shift...